Oh No
The smallest word in the language got too big to say.
You were around three years old the first time you stood up for yourself. It was probably in response to food, bedtime, or taking a bath. Boy, do all three of those things sound great to me right now.
Anyway.
Do you remember what you said? I’ll give you a hint. One word. Two letters. One sentence.
No.
That’s all.
Since that time you’ve created your own schedule around when you like to eat, sleep, and bathe. Interestingly, you’ve also removed that same word from your vocabulary.
And now here you are. A grown-ass adult with a calendar full of things you didn’t want to do, said yes to anyway, all of which will lead to you dreading and punching a wall.
You’ve replaced that one word with responses the length of a David Foster Wallace novel. I’d love to, but. Let me see if I can. I’m just so swamped right now. Can I get back to you?
Saying no should not scare you more than watching the goddamn Exorcist.
And I get it. Saying no isn’t always easy. Whether you’re saying it to a loved one, a new acquaintance, or in regard to a job opportunity, rejecting someone can be stressful. But it’s nowhere near as stressful as saying yes to something you really want to say no to.
You’ve lost your confidence.
Confidence is a series of small decisions, made out loud, in front of other people, where you choose yourself before they choose for you. And no is the cleanest version of that decision.
Saying yes to something that drains you isn’t kindness. It’s an uneven trade you’ve been making for years. Your time, their convenience. Your energy, their convenience. Your weekend, their convenience. You know you’ll want that weekend back at some point. And you also know that you’re never getting it back.
The reason you can’t say it is not because you’re a bad communicator. It’s because somewhere along the way, you decided your confidence was worth less than someone else’s two minutes of disappointment. You’ve been focused on other people’s priorities over your own for so long that you’ve forgotten you can actually change it.
Every confident person you’ve ever admired figured this out earlier than you did. They aren’t braver or more talented. They just learned, sooner, that no is the word that protects every other word in your vocabulary.
The people whose lives look like their own said no to the wrong job. The wrong room. The wrong price. The wrong friend. The wrong dinner. I can go on and on here for weeks.
You realize that you can do that too, right?
The next time someone asks something of you that you know, in your gut, isn’t yours, say the word. Not the apology. Not the thesis. Not the fake excuse about your week spiraling out of control.
Say it small if you have to. Say it shaky if you have to. Just fucking say it.
You’ll be surprised how fast the world adjusts. You’ll be even more surprised how empowered you’ll feel instantly.
Because the world has been waiting for you to figure out what you actually want. And it can’t do that until you start telling it what you don’t.
Y’know?
I’m here if you need me.
Pump Up the Volume: On Confidence, Self-Doubt, and the Voice in Your Head That Can Go Straight to Hell is coming soon. Foreword by Becky Lynch. Blurbs from Jimmy Kimmel, Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth), and Chris Regan (Family Guy, The Daily Show).
aaronblitzstein.com